she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
