So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
