I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
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Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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