I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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