She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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