Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I still have a little drunk in my system
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
