I haven't been this sober since birth.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
