The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
