I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
