if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
