I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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