ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
