last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
