Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize