we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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