he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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