Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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