you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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