If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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