just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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