The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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