At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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