It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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