do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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