If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
