I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
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