ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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