I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
