Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
