Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He? As in you personified your dick?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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