Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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