she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
