my sisters under your porch take her home
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
