I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
