just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
