Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
