Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
