Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
