If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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