When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
