If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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