come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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