I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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