I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
