Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
