went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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