Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
