I want to have your abortion
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I wish there were birth control emojis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I forget how to act sober
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
