The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
