his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
