The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
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I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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